Updated
June 11, 2001
UK - Gambian Marriage ends in Divorce
The story of Mr Lamin and Mrs Jane Touray hit the papers in May 2001 and I have been pondering it ever since, in the light of lots of people asking if this was our Lamin. . .
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I have met some very good Gambians, better than many Westerners I know, but they are few and far between in both cultures.
I have also met some very bad Gambians, whose show of religious devotion is no more than show, or even just a request that Allah forgive them for the sins they are about to commit, often excused as a way to solve the immediate problems they or their families are facing.
Most Gambians I have met are a mixture of good intentions and the harsh realities of life, that turn good intentions into sordid reality.
You might think that praying five times a day would remind every Gambian as they start doing anything, that they start it in the name of Allah.
In reality they do it to feed their families, look after their parents, brothers or sisters or like us, to satisfy their own selfish wants.
If you have had a good or bad experience of trust kept or broken by a Gambian friend let me know
Lamin Touray
in B&W, left - Lamin K Ceesay, right
Lamin Touray from Daily Telegraph
17th May 2001
There are some similarities. Both are around 30 years old, both have
worked with tourists, both have had relationships with older English women,
both have spent time with their English partners in the UK, from their
names, both are the eldest boys in their families.
Lamin is the name given to most Muslim first born sons, not only do they get the name, but they also get the responsability of looking after their immediate family, parents, grand parents, as well as younger brothers and sisters.
Our Lamin had a minimal education (he told us it was with the SOS village because his parents were both disabled) He got along in life, mainly by his wits and with a little help from relatives in better positions in Gambian society. Lamin Touray, I don't know, but both were prepared to use their charm with the ladies as part of their plans.
Many Muslims are disgusted by this behavior, especially if it involves sex outside of marriage, a practice condemned by the Koran, but ignored by a few Gambian 'boys' who find it a lucrative solution to their 'problems'.
Most of these relationships are developed over an intense one or two week holiday and are consummated during that time. Such young men have the pressure of their families on them to provide money for food, education and survival and the tourist trade is a lucrative market in potential marriage partners and finance providers.
Maybe many are successful long lasting relationships, but I know of more that are not.
So what can go wrong to turn a perfect relationship into a total disaster?
These young men are mostly very poor and from very poor families, many are from villages far up river, where the way of life is that of basic and simple subsistence farming.
Their religion from birth, is Islam. They learn Arabic to read the Koran, and the practices of being an ordinary Muslim are far more vigorous every day, than those for an ordinary Christian every week.
It is often this simplicity and religious devoutness that is so attractive to us. Where our children 'may' say their prayers each night. Here are grown men, praying in the street and market place five times each day. Such devotion to Allah, makes them seem very religious to us.
Being Muslim, washing and praying five times each day, going to the Mosque on Fridays, keeping fast at Ramadan, joining the Hadj to Mecca, giving charity to the poor, are very visible displays of an individual's attempt to follow the Prophet Mohammed and learn from the Koran, but that is all it is, an attempt. The man underneath is free to be good or bad, depending on his nature and the pressures that are being applied to him by his family.
A Gambian in England, meets a culture so alien, that
it is surprising that any of them survive, let alone flourish, most are
economic refugees in the broadest sense and long for the day they can
get back to The Gambia.
- Our weather is totally alien, cold, wet and cloudy, SAD 'Seasonally affected disorder' depresses us, think what it does to a Gambian.
- The lack of freedom for Muslim men in Western relationships is totally alien. In Gambia, even married men and women live quite separate lives, with very clearly defined roles.
- The religious life here, lacks the male companionship of Gambia, even where they can carry on all the normal Muslim practices.
- Our language is alien, even though English is the official language, in Gambia, the tribal languages are an essential force in their culture of telling their oral traditions.
- Our food is alien, the way we cook it may suit our palettes but most Gambians prefer their own combinations of food and the way they cook it.
- Our culture is faster, more defendant on time, more structured by timetables. In Gambia, GMT means Gambia Maybe Time, it is a way of life for Gambians, not a lack of accurate watches.
- Our culture is full of discussion, about people and things, about possibilities and plans, Gambians do little of this, and think we gossip too much about each others business.
- Gambians are as unusual in parts of England as white people are in Gambia, we get Toubabed, but two weeks later we go home. They imagine that the people who stare at them think the same of them as their people think of foreigners with Gambian partners, it is not flattering.
Add to all of this, the fact that many of them are only here because their family feels it is a good way to get money. Those who marry, expect their new spouses to send money back to their families in Gambia, this is their culture of sharing. We share with our immediate family, a Gambian's close family usually includes aunts, uncles and their families AND also the families of their parents, brothers and sisters and all of their families.
The needs always exceed the means and usually cause major problems.
The Telegraph said that Jane Touray the 50 year old wife of Lamin, who she only married 7 months ago and from whom she is now seeking a speedy divorce, does not think she had been naive. He became a changed man. "He sat around all day, smoking cigarettes, drinking and borrowing money from me"
Jane's Lamin changed as much as our Lamin has. We are both having to resort to legal action, I expect Jane is as disappointed as we are, that someone we trusted has turned out to be someone quite different.
Jane is still building her clinic in Fajara, we are still running GTS to employ Gambians and help small businesses and children through their education. I sympathise with Jane, but neither Lamin is really to blame.
Some people with nothing, will do anything to get something and hurt themselves in the attempt - our Lamin is currently accusing us of theft from our own container and trespass over our land to get to the container. It is true that Lamin had the papers for the land made out in his name, but he used our money to buy it, but now believes the land is his. Every new action he takes, makes the situation more serious for him, instead of helping him, we have somehow caused him to attempt his own self destruction.
The law will sort out the situation with both our Lamins, at a fairly high cost, I would so much prefer the money we are spending on lawyers was being used to help really needy people in The Gambia.
Being naive, comes in all shapes and sizes. So make sure your help goes to genuine needy causes or join the ranks of those bruised by the sordid reality that poverty and greed can make people do almost anything to get money.
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