Updated
September 11, 2003

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Agony Aunt reply

Regarding your relationship with a Gambian girl it might help to read a book entitled “Our Grandmothers’ Drums” by Mark Hudson.

The author was a visitor to the Gambia in 1985 and the story is all about how the women there are living their lives. It tells you about female circumcision, how the women’s lives are bounded by Islam, by the necessity to work in the fields and to obey first their mothers and then their husbands.

Although this is nearly 20 years ago, in my experience nothing much has changed. Perhaps it might be fair to say that the women in the urban areas are more knowledgeable than the women in the provinces.

In any case I personally would be more than happy for my son to marry a Gambian girl.

Most of the girls over there are far removed from our “ladettes” and would probably fulfil the dream of any man who is looking for a traditional, old fashioned wife.

In any case, I am sure it would be much easier for a Gambian girl to adapt to the Western way of life than the other way round.

Having read more of your story, it all sounds very positive and I wish you and the girl every success and much luck. AA

Comments to GTS

GTS email reply:

I will pass your email on to our agony aunt, but I THINK SHE WILL WANT MORE DETAILS.

Just so you know where we are coming from - I (58)spend 3 months in Gambia each year attempting to run a self funding charity "GTS" - with partial success and a fair annual drain on our own personal bank account.

My son (22) spends around 8 months a year supervising the Bar and Restaurant we have that generates part of the income that keeps it going.
He has a Gambian girl friend about the same age - she is lovely but being there for a long time He has no illusions that it is almost every Gambian's dream to find a way of getting to Europe and via a relationship is often the easiest way.

The euphoria of love hides away many of the realities, which of course surface at some point. Of course you will realise that West African culture is not European culture and the language, the religion, the social norms are quite different and the economic realities are quite different - but bearing all those difference in mind of course it can work. Is there an age difference? Would you be thinking of settling in UK or Gambia, would you be happy to be part of the support network of the Girl's family etc etc.

Try to be realistic, your situation is at the easiest part of the long process ahead. I tend to only hear about the problems and have yet to hear of a really successful long term relationship, but I'm sure they exist. I hope my son's will be successful and yours too, but try to give yourselves plenty of time to really get to know each other and understand both of your motives for the relationship.

All the very best to you both - keep in touch - I will send my reply and your email to our agony aunt and see what she thinks.

Francis

Senders follow up response

Thank you for your reply.

Interesting also to hear more of your story. I'm happy to fill out my own story a little with more details:

While in Gambia I lived on a local compound in ****** (as well as having a room in ****** to run to when I needed a westernised lifeline). The compound was a very large one - 24 people in total, and it took several weeks for me to sort out how and why everyone who stayed there was linked to the main family - the ***** - in fact I never quite sorted it all out and as will become clear the complexities of relationships on the compound were greater than I had imagined.

There were a lot of young people (in their 20's) on the compound and I got to know a few of them quite well as well the local villagers. I am 29. As the compound was fairly well off by Gambian standards (ie they had current, two TV's, a car, several working men a taylor shop), I decided that the best thing I could do while there was provide some entertainment - ie take some of my friends out to see eg the Yussundur Concert at the Stadium, Kaniley Festival etc.

During these outings I got to know and like one of the girls - ******- especially. Eg I noticed that she was a lot more grateful than the others for the trips, that she showed an interest in where I was from and my lifestyle (rather than like so many blandly stating that they want to go to England, but not showing any real interest in what life is like here in Europe), also that she generally had a very positive attitude around the compound and was willing to help everybody without asking for anything.

In short I grew to like her quite a bit and eventually let her know how I felt. She responded that she had a boyfriend and that (due to pressure from her mother) she intended to find out if he wouldn't marry her soon - but nonetheless she would come out with the group and we could still be friends.

She was however a little frustrated with the boyfriend as he had had another girl while she was travelling, however she appeared to think he would be good husband material nonetheless.

Well she asked him what his intentions were and he said that he wasn't ready for marriage - nonetheless they stayed together for the duration I was at the compound - a few weeks before I left Gambia.

I more or less resigned myself to the fact that she was taken, but we remained good friends. However some of the rest of the compound (ie the compound ***** and ******) very much resented the attention I was giving Isatou, apparently as she was not part of the family, but had been brought up there as she was being trained by the ****** as a taylor (She is originally from *******). So they stopped her coming out with the group when we went out - this despite her giving (her tutor) full respect and never going anywhere without asking for permission etc.

Eventually she got fed up with the situation and said that "when she had money" she would go home to her mother. As I quite fancied a trip to Sengegal, I offered to drive her there (quite a test for the little Jeep) and we set off on my last weekend in The Gambia - leaving on the Saturday, I was going to come back on the Monday.

By this stage her boyfriend had headed off sailing for six months, letting her know the day before he went that he wouldn't be back until next January. Well it turned out the most wonderful weekend ever - I met her mother and family including her brothers, their wives, kids etc. The mother and family were completely relaxed about us spending time together, and we really enjoyed each others company and having time to chat properly - we even went off to Zuiginchor for two days. I didn't get back to Gambia until the next Wednesday, two days before I was flying back to London. She left School when she was 12 and has been training as a taylor since. She is 24, has (relatively) travelled as she has been round Casamance, The Gambia and to Dakar. Her English has improved immensely since I first came to Gambia. She has very little experience of guys and didn't know the facts of life which I (in shock) realised when we were in conversation about one of the girls on the compond who is pregnant.

I am a professional Engineer, but am currently attempting to switch to third world development work and have a sneaking suspicion that I will be spending a lot of the rest of my life in Africa - as I have a real passion for the continent.

I have no illusions that Gambians as much as anyone anywhere want to get something out of a relationship as well as to give - and that for them money is the thing they need / want most. However from what I have seen from most of my real Gambian friends they try not to let this cloud their judgement and they do have standards and ambitions in relationships beyond the financial.

I intend to support and help her and her family whether we decide to make a go of things or not (eg she would like to set up her own taylor shop) and understand (and quite like) the Gambian wider family support sytem. However I don't like the Gambian tradition of husbands and wives being seperated and would find it impossible eg if I had to be in the UK (for work)and for some reason after a while Isatou had to stay in Senegal. I speak to her every week on the 'phone and am going back to meet her this autumn.

If I think there is a chance of a future I will probably stay for a few months after that.

Regards,

GTS 2nd reply

What a lovely email *****, your situation is not dissimilar to Adam's.

I think you have a totally realistic attitude and I hope everything continues well for you. If we are ever in Gambia at the same time, I'd love a chat and if there is anything GTS can do to help let us know.

With your permission but with names etc bleeped out I'd love to put your story on the website and follow it through.

What is your UK families reaction?

Very best wishes

Francis

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