Updated
August 24, 2003
Agony Aunt Personal
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Dear ...,
Your problem is a common one, shared by lots of other women.
Lamin is obviously a very traditional African Muslim.
In their culture the men do come first in everything.
As far as the showing
of affection is concerned, both verbally and physically, they simply do
not do it. (And certainly never show it in public!)
I know of Africans who would never even consider passionate "french kissing".
Also, having sex does not involve the same "rituals" as in our society.
It is an act which is over very quickly without too much fuss meing made.
In a traditional Gambian marriage the husband often does not share the
same house as his wife, let alone the same bed. That does not mean that
your husband does not love you. They just don't have the same concept
of love as we do. Having said all that, I know that some men are open
to be taught the way we do things in our society.
But if L is a very strict religious Muslim it will be very difficult for
him to change. What was it that first attracted you and made you want
to marry your husband?
You do not say whether his lack of affection was evident from the beginning
or whether he has changed in the last two years. Does he help or provide
for you financially?
I would say that if there is something you still really love about him then all is not lost. As for having children, perhaps he can see with your young daughter how difficult it is in this society to bring up kids and it frightens him. Give it more time and make sure you discuss and agree the way you want to bring up your kids before you start trying for a family.
Our cultures are very different and to get along one has to compromise, unfortunately the bigger compromise might have to come from you. I wish you good luck.
Comments to GTS
I was hoping you could analyse and
tell me if you think our relationship is healthy! (I obviously am unhappy
but will explain why).
I met 'L' in Gambia when I’d holidayed
with a friend. 'L' was our tour guide and very calm, polite, handsome
and helpful.
He made it known that he fancied me
& I him.
We were gutted when I had to go back
to UK ( only went for a week) we corresponded and I went back with my
daughter who was 3 at the time - 6 weeks later we got married in Banjul
(I proposed) he did his interview at the embassy & was with us in the
UK 6 weeks later.
He had never travelled anywhere so
I’m sure it was a bit of a culture shock to say the least!
We’ve been together 2 years this month,
he has maintained his religion in every way he’s supposed to (to my knowledge
anyway!) - Islam.
We have certain issues I can’t stand these are
1-He’s very unaffectionate, both verbally
and physically
2-He hardly ever instigates sex and
often refuses me (he wants it sometimes less than once a week & I 3-4)
He’s very selfish ie He comes 1st in everything.
3-I thought Gambians (especially Muslim ones) were meant to adore and want kids? Well he changes all the time on this topic he won't say when we can start trying for a baby or even if we can at all, we have had thousands of rows about it as I feel misled he said he wanted at least 1 kid before when we were in Gambia, but now always says we can't afford it (which is kinda true) I just don’t feel loved as I find him emotionally cold and weird we do have good times but they are seldom. He says “We Gambians don’t know all this touching, hugs&kisses every five minutes”! to which I reply, 'well I do ! and my needs aren’t being met at all by you sexually, verbally or emotionally, as a result I’m on anti-depressants.
Guess what, I really wanna know is
he with me to get his permanent visa in UK or does he give a shit at all
? ’cause I don’t see any evidence if he does! We have also rowed on this
topic of papers to which he says he had many chances if he wanted to come
to Europe before he met me either via women who lusted after him or by
one of his Gambian cousins in Sweden, he always maintains he has only
ever kissed a norweigen gilrl but never slept or done anything else with
any other foreigner apart from me!
I know what you're thinking. “What a joke!”
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